Incognito in Saint Louis

Slowly unleashing the secrets of city life.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

May Fool's Day

I read on two blogs today about Mother's Day. I started to panic. It can't be Mother's Day. I read the calendar three times last week to make sure and yet, I panicked. Especially since I read this blogs AFTER I had talked to my mother today and I had failed to say Happy Mother's Day, if indeed it is Mother's Day.

Well, guess what? I checked the calendar and its not Mother's Day, which all of you know.

I knew I knew, but damn, that freaked me the fuck out!!!!

I suppose it mostly frightened me because I have finally come to that point in my life where I actually can get along with my mother, for the most part. She gets on my nerves terribly when I say something and she says, "You remind me so much of me." Dear God, woman, what are you trying to do to me? Your anxiety gets to me and now you tell me that I am like you? Please. don't. ever. do. that. Ever.

Its her way of connecting with me, but it honestly frightens me. My mother was not the most stable of mothers. She was controlling, demanding, self righteous, and depressed. We were alone together and were at each other's throats from the age of 12 until well, the last couple of years or so. Two strong, stubborn women = freakin fireworks, high drama, self righteous speeches, etc etc etc. Basically, a bunch of bullshit that is somehow easier than letting go of that little thing called pride.

Well, we figured out that being a self righteous bitch can sure be lonely and damned hard. God forbid we ask for help, even when we so desperately need it. When we're dying a little inside because we aren't getting it.

I learned how to be a stubborn bitch from THE original stubborn bitch. I still am stubborn, but I have tried really hard to not be as hard as her. She is more controlling than I will ever be. My mom would go out of her way to save a penny and I try really damn hard not to be that way. Now, I try NOT to spend like a drunken sailor or anything, but every once in a while, I indulge and it feels good to allow yourself to be spoiled. I should spoil myself with MY money, I earned it. That just reminded me of my mom *shivers down spines*. I also buy lavish gifts for people that I love. My mom would never do that, but I caught her buying a few lavish things for people since I told her that she can't take her money with her. I think she realized it was okay to loosen the reigns on the dough.

I wouldn't have wanted to miss Mother's Day and half ass like I had in the past when I didn't really appreciate my mother as I should have. I was too hurt by our past to let it go. Letting go is hard, but I realized that holding onto to all that pain never let me go past it. I finally had to let go or I would never have a mother. It doesn't hurt that my mother figured out that medication might not be so bad for some of her personal problems.

I love my mom now and our relationship hasn't been this good since I was in the single digits. My stepmom, well...................let's leave that for another day.


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