Incognito in Saint Louis

Slowly unleashing the secrets of city life.

Monday, May 15, 2006

Suburban Dream

So, yesterday, I went to my mother's house. She lives in St. Charles with my stepdad. We sat around and talked and then we went out to eat.

This is probably the point in my blog when I should mention that I am currently living with a man that is not the same race as me. We have been together for a few years and have been living together for almost two. I mention it only because it is relevant to my story.

The city provides a safer haven then suburbia does for interracial couples. I have grown accustomed to this bubble that provides a less judgemental environment for my relationship. I forget sometimes how judgemental "suburban bliss" can be.

We went to the restaurant and this man, who wasn't but a few years older than myself, kept staring and staring and staring. I mean, I thought I was just being defensive at first, but g.d. that dude could have won a staring contest. I tried not to let it rile me up. This isn't the first time we've been stared at or heard people mumble things or just witnessed people being judgemental assholes about my life, which doesn't concern them. I digress.

So, Mr. Lids of Steel watched us the entire time. I should have predicted it. I should have known it was going to happen. If I could only remember to prepare myself, then I would never be upset by such ridiculous bigotry.

Every time, I'm disappointed by how stunted people still are. You would think that in 2006, there would be less people with their head in their ass. I cannot figure out why people hate others, why people fear what is "different". I don't think I'll ever know.

P.S. St. Charles is a teeming sesspool of urban garbage sprawl.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

May Fool's Day

I read on two blogs today about Mother's Day. I started to panic. It can't be Mother's Day. I read the calendar three times last week to make sure and yet, I panicked. Especially since I read this blogs AFTER I had talked to my mother today and I had failed to say Happy Mother's Day, if indeed it is Mother's Day.

Well, guess what? I checked the calendar and its not Mother's Day, which all of you know.

I knew I knew, but damn, that freaked me the fuck out!!!!

I suppose it mostly frightened me because I have finally come to that point in my life where I actually can get along with my mother, for the most part. She gets on my nerves terribly when I say something and she says, "You remind me so much of me." Dear God, woman, what are you trying to do to me? Your anxiety gets to me and now you tell me that I am like you? Please. don't. ever. do. that. Ever.

Its her way of connecting with me, but it honestly frightens me. My mother was not the most stable of mothers. She was controlling, demanding, self righteous, and depressed. We were alone together and were at each other's throats from the age of 12 until well, the last couple of years or so. Two strong, stubborn women = freakin fireworks, high drama, self righteous speeches, etc etc etc. Basically, a bunch of bullshit that is somehow easier than letting go of that little thing called pride.

Well, we figured out that being a self righteous bitch can sure be lonely and damned hard. God forbid we ask for help, even when we so desperately need it. When we're dying a little inside because we aren't getting it.

I learned how to be a stubborn bitch from THE original stubborn bitch. I still am stubborn, but I have tried really hard to not be as hard as her. She is more controlling than I will ever be. My mom would go out of her way to save a penny and I try really damn hard not to be that way. Now, I try NOT to spend like a drunken sailor or anything, but every once in a while, I indulge and it feels good to allow yourself to be spoiled. I should spoil myself with MY money, I earned it. That just reminded me of my mom *shivers down spines*. I also buy lavish gifts for people that I love. My mom would never do that, but I caught her buying a few lavish things for people since I told her that she can't take her money with her. I think she realized it was okay to loosen the reigns on the dough.

I wouldn't have wanted to miss Mother's Day and half ass like I had in the past when I didn't really appreciate my mother as I should have. I was too hurt by our past to let it go. Letting go is hard, but I realized that holding onto to all that pain never let me go past it. I finally had to let go or I would never have a mother. It doesn't hurt that my mother figured out that medication might not be so bad for some of her personal problems.

I love my mom now and our relationship hasn't been this good since I was in the single digits. My stepmom, well...................let's leave that for another day.

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Insane Wedding Update

So, this wedding that I'm in is a little less than four months away. I've finally conferred with the Maid of Honor and we have both the bridal shower and bachelorette party ironed out. Whew!

Just when I was high off the fumes of my burning my proscrastination and actually planning something for this wedding, I get an e-mail stating that our HAIR appointments have been made for the wedding date. The wedding is four months away and the hair appointments are made. Four months. Four. FOUR!

At this point, I have to wonder what her time is consisting of if she is planning our hair appointments 4 months in advance.

What makes me the angriest is myself. The reason that I say that is why can't I just fucking get over it and be happy for her already? What in the hell is preventing me from just biting the bullet, sucking it up, and at least feigning interest in this wedding???

I'm not personally all that rah rah on marriage or weddings, but normally, I can at least be a bit excited (I've been in roughly 8 million weddings) and this will probably be the last for awhile (that would include my own) that I will be in, if I'm ever in another wedding at all. You think I would be nostalgic about all that tafeta. Nothing. I'm a freaking robot in this whole matter.

I think part of it is I can't let go of the fact that I think that the entire thing is a lie. Here fiancee is an ass and she has a daughter that will be subjected to this example that living with an asshole is how it should be. It pisses me off because her mother did the same thing and we grew up together and she hated that shit and I thought she knew better. She's wrapped her entire life course into this worthless, selfish, bitter jackass. I think she deserves better.

I think the other part is that she used to be a fun, interesting person to talk to and now its all wedding, baby. I can't get into it. I've tried my whole life and I just don't give a shit about all that stuff.

I better just let it go and realize we are all here to live our lives in our own fashion so that I can release this rebellion that I have in my gullet for this affair.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Carlos Mencia: Grand Pupa of the Elks Lodge

A few years ago, I saw the stand up of Carlos Mencia and thought it was pretty humorous.
I've seen a few episodes of The Mind of Mencia. His humor doesn't translate to a show on Comedy Central.

The jokes are essentially all racist. I think I've been around the most racist old white people who say "wetback" and "beaner" less than this guy and he's Hispanic! I know he thinks that he is taking the stigma away when he says that shit, but he's not. Basically, his entire show is based on jokes from the Elk's Lodge in 1963. Every ridiculous stereotype, he plays up. He sat there and said that the only reason that Mexicans were in the country illegally was because the blacks no longer are willing to do those jobs. He told a black man that blacks are lazy to the man's face and the man fucking laughed! He fucking laughed! How is that funny?

I miss Dave Chappelle. He was a true comic genious with purpose. They decide to replace their comedy token with a lighter token. Comedy Central keeps touting Mencia as "edgy", when he does little more than take stereotypes and pass it as "shocking" because it comes out of the mouth of a token. How fucking insulting to all of us.